Alone?

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 “Welcome Home” were the last words I heard from God as I drove 60 mph to Manchester, Connecticut.

This, is admittedly the slowest I’ve ever driven on the highway.  It’s cold, dark and one look into the distance on I-84 E I seemed to be the only one on the road - aside from the trucks.The further I traveled away, the more I questioned and the more alone I felt. “We’re not doing this Whitney...”, I said to myself, “Nope!” Reaching to turn on the music... I stopped before I could even press play. I couldn’t. As much as I wanted to hear the sound of anything other than me , I couldn’t just put away what just happened. I couldn’t drown it out with music. I couldn’t escape my thoughts. I replayed what seemed like the last trip down those steps over and over and over again--with my rolling suitcase in one hand and my laptop in another. Yeah, tonight was different and surely not a time for music.

As I connected from I-84 E to I-384 I was in total physical silence,but my thoughts were loud. Oh my, were they loud.

What is happening Whitney? What the hell are you going to do now? Ok, get it together. Focus. This is bigger than you. My sons. My boys. My buddies. So now you’re a part time freakin mom? How could I do this to them? I mean, how are you going to be there before they wake? Do pick ups, be there for dinner, bedtime and then...what did you do? You just think you can do it all, huh? (rolls eyes). I need some music.”

As I continue to drive, I stare in the distance as if I had no destination. I mean that’s what it felt like. I left my home of 8 years and it felt like every instruction God had given me went out the window. “I need some air!”, I said aloud. Cracking the window and exiting to what I would now call home for three months--I took a deep breath. Every minute that passed seemed like a year as if time was slowing down. I took a deep breath. I pulled up to a place I’d refer to as respite and put my car in park. I took a deep breath.

...and another breath.

...another

...and another

...and another until my breaths turned into a long flow of tears.

I hadn’t realized in that moment, but I was holding my superwoman cape tightly near the napes of my neck and my grip was slipping. I was tired of holding it. So, I allowed my tears to just flow.

“You get to cry Whitney.

You get to cry Whitney.

You get to cry.

So, I cried and cried and cried.

...then I wiped my tears.”

I sat in the car for a while and stared out the window. Until, I realized that I am not alone. I don’t have to be strong--my Father is holding me up. His hand has been stretched out towards me through this entire process. This first step, that seemed like the hardest step was my hand grabbing hold to His.

I began to speak aloud,

“Whitney, He goes before you.

He walks with you.

He works through you.”

Laying back in the driver’s seat I began praying:

“God, I trust you. You do all things well. I trust you. I don’t know it all but you do. I trust you Lord. I give it all to you God. I’m sorry for doubting you and what your doing God. It hurts, but I know you are here. Thank you for keeping me. Thank you for loving me. God give my children rest. Give them comfort tonight. Give me rest. Give us rest.”

Raising my seat up, I popped the trunk and gathered my belongings. For the first time in my adult life, I would undress and put on pajamas in a place I did not know. For the first time, I would lay my head to rest in a bed that was not my own. For the first time, I would really learn what it is to worship God when everything seems like it’s falling apart. For the first time, I was not directing my own life--I didn’t know what was going to happen next. For the first time, I surrendered my agenda totally to God and sought Him out for instruction.

For the first time I was allowing God to be the ONLY navigator in my life and I would soon learn that  my thoughts would not keep me rooted in doubt.

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 “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.”

James 4:7, NKJV