Being in search of a man can seem like quite the process, right? Especially when you have no idea what you're seeking in a partner or more importantly--you're already failing to recognize your own greatness. Failing to recognize myself as child of God left me lost, vulnerable and open to foolery.
I met him and he appealed to everything I thought was "right," except he couldn't see himself attending church like I did, praying with me or "just this whole Pentecostal thing isn't for me", he said. I thought to myself we can obviously work on this because everything else seems right. In this relationship, I experienced myself over-compensating and nurturing a foundation that lacked forward progression, and would spend lots of time asking myself, why? I found myself rationalizing and continuously falling victim to "but I can fix it, I can fix him." This thought subconsciously disturbed my self-worth, and caused constant reassessment of my standards, increasing my self-doubt.
It messed with me internally. So, where there was once joy, happiness, contentment and sound discretion, I eventually moved in with frustration, anger, and resentment.
If you're living here, please understand that this is not the hand of God. This is your work alone.
When we are operating from a place of frustration we react out of shame. It is my own self discovery that the man that I described as embodying "almost everything I yearned for" was only being himself. In fact, I was dating potential--my own idea of who I thought he could eventually become. Somewhere along the way I put him in a place that only God could fill, and when he wasn't meeting "the mark", I had an internal shame-fest because he showed and told me who he was eight years ago.
If you are putting trust in man, re-assess your heart condition and your concept of trust. Pursue any relationship standing firm on who God is first, and who you are second, and continue asking questions--Queens ask questions!
Today, I understand the need to develop healthy trust in a relationship with man, but my confidence is always and will forever be in God alone.
I leave you with this scripture to meditate on:
"God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried through?" Numbers 23:19 (NLT)
Recovery from shame lies in God.